I Am Fat, and There's Nothing Wrong With That

I write and speak a lot about the importance of language and the ability to own your identities and everything that you are. My blog even got its name from the idea that disability was something to be claimed, not denied or ignored. I've talked extensively about why I prefer identity first language over person first language when it comes to talking about me and my experience as a disabled woman, and explained exactly why it is that I call myself disabled.

Typically, when I talk about claiming my identities I'm talking about my experience of being disabled, but today I'm here to talk about something else. I'm here to talk about another word that you may often see me use that some people find controversial or uncomfortable. I'm here to tell you why I call myself fat, and why just like when I call myself disabled, it's not a bad thing, and there's nothing wrong with it.

I've talked about accepting your body for everything that it is, even the things society tends to reject. I have explored, at least briefly, how fatphobia and ableism have intersected in my life with potentially disastrous and life scarring consequences. I have publicly called myself disabled and fat more than once, but I'm realizing that my reasons for doing this require some explanation for many people.

When I say I'm fat, I notice a lot of people get uncomfortable, and it is usually people who are smaller than me that express their discomfort the most. When I say I'm fat, people's immediate reaction is often to tell me I'm not, and that I shouldn't talk about myself like that. While I understand their intentions, and know that they likely don't mean any harm or offense, what they're doing is deeply harmful and perpetuates the idea that bodies like mine are bad and shouldn't be talked about in a realistic way.

When I call myself fat, I am not looking for someone to contradict me, or reassure me that's not the truth of my body.

I already know it is.

I am saying that fat is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, it's just one way a body can be.

I am fat.

That's a fact. It's not up for debate or argument. There is nothing good or bad about it, it's just the reality of my body. When I say I am fat I am not making a judgment call on whether my body is good or bad, I'm just describing the way my body is, and the way I move through the world.

I am fat and there's nothing wrong with that. Fat is a descriptor of the way my body is, not a value judgment on my worth as a person. When we refuse to say the word fat we perpetuate the lie that fat bodies are bad bodies, a lie I believed for way too long.

In claiming my fatness, I found peace and freedom. I found in the word fat the same kind of freedom I find in the word disabled. I found the ability to express the truth of my body without sugarcoating it, or beating around the bush with awkward euphemisms that do little to explain the reality of living in a world not designed for the body that I'm in.

If you think I'm saying something negative when I use the word fat, you're missing the point. Our bodies are constantly changing and in flux, but their worth and value is permanent, and is not defined by their size or shape.

I know now that fat is not a problem that needs to be fixed. It's not something to hide from or deny, because the reality is the shape of your body does not now, and has never defined your worth as a person.

I struggled for years torturing myself in failed attempts to be thin because I believed the lie that being thin would make me more beautiful and more worthy of love, but that's simply not true. As a fat disabled woman, I am no less worthy of love, and no less valuable or beautiful than my thin, nondisabled counterparts.

The word fat describes my body and defines some of my experiences in the world, but it is not everything that I am, it's just a part of me.

Claiming your identities is a lifelong journey, and I'm still working on fully claiming mine. However, I thought I would share some of them with you so you can understand who I am and my position in the world.

I am white.

I am disabled in multiple ways.

I am a cisgender woman.

I am a writer.

I am an activist.

I am going to be a social worker.

I am a sister, a daughter, a niece, a cousin, and a best friend.

I am all these things, and I am fat too.

I am not pieces of my identities, but layers upon layers of complicated, beautiful, and complex existences that meld together to make me the person that I am.

Each of my identities is in itself whole, but each of my identities also intersects with every other identity I hold in a way that makes the experience of living with these multitude of layers different and distinct from living with any one of them on its own.

Being fat doesn't take away from any of my other identities, but is an identity and an experience in its own right. It shapes the way I am understood and seen in our society, and the way I move through and interact with our world. It is one of the many layers that makes me the beautiful and complex person that I am.

I am everything that I am, all while being fat, and being disabled, not in spite of those things. My disability, and my fatness cannot be separated from all my other identities because they are a part of me. These things influence the way I have come to experience everything in my life, whether I like it or not.

I am fat and I have come to realize that there's no shame in that. Calling myself fat as a fat person is no different than a thin person saying they're thin. Fat is not taboo. It's not a word that needs to be said only in whispers in dark unlit corners. It is not derogatory. It is not an insult. It is not a value judgment, and it's not a bad thing.

It just is.