When "Niceness" Becomes A Trap

I often see memes that say things like, "it costs nothing to be kind," or  "kindness is free."

While I appreciate people's intent in sharing them, I don't think that statement is true, and I think that there are even times when statements like that can be downright dangerous. 

I grew up believing I had to be nice to everyone, no matter the cost to me. I often worried that if I was "too harsh", too loud, too opinionated, or just generally took up too much space, people would see me as a problem. 

I constantly did mental gymnastics to avoid coming off as mean or "bitchy", and in what may come as a surprise to people who know me now, this often led me not to speak up when I wanted or needed to because I didn't want to rock the boat or upset anyone, so instead I ended up being the one not getting my needs met, or being put in uncomfortable positions time and time again.

I watched my male counterparts be praised for their assertiveness, while I was told I talked too much. I watched boys be called natural leaders while I was called bossy, and so maybe without meaning to, I learned to stay quiet in so many situations where quietness was the last thing that was called for.

As a woman, especially, a disabled woman, people and society taught me that if I wanted people to like me, I had to be nice all the time, and I had to avoid doing anything that would make other people feel uncomfortable, without consideration for whether or not I felt that way, but I'm here today to tell you niceness is a trap.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should be cruel, or mean to people for no reason, but I am saying that it is totally okay to stand up for yourself and advocate for your needs, even if that means causing discomfort or rocking the boat.

Niceness is a trap laid to get marginalized people to stop standing up to oppression, and stop calling out injustice. So often calls for niceness and kindness are one-sided, with all the weight being put on the most marginalized people in the situation. So often, society demands that oppressed people be "nice", "kind", or "understanding" towards their oppressors without demanding the same in return.

Niceness is a trap created to make people afraid to speak out against the dominant group for fear of looking rude or disrespectful. Niceness is a trap used to silence, and write people off simply because they used the "wrong tone" or sounded "too angry" in the face of absolute injustice.

Despite what common rhetoric would tell you, kindness doesn't come without a cost. It isn't free, and you can't just go around demanding it from people without doing the work to earn it in return. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about growth and change, and I think we should show compassion to people trying to grow and to better, but if someone is not willing to put in the work to learn, and stop perpetuating active harm against others, you are under no obligation to respond with nothing more than niceness or kindness and understanding.

 It is okay to call people out when they hurt you or cross your boundaries.

It is okay to say no, and to tell other people when they've gone too far, without worrying about whether or not you're being nice.

I can't tell you the number of times I've stayed in uncomfortable, and downright dangerous situations because I was afraid of being perceived as mean, and I'm just not willing to do that anymore. I'm not willing to silence myself just so other people never have to experience a moment of discomfort. I'm not willing to give away pieces of my soul to keep everyone else happy. I'm just not.

Niceness and kindness are great ideals to strive for in general, but I think when we talk about them as a culture we have to ask ourselves who is being told to be nice, and at what cost?

As for me, I'm no longer afraid of being too loud or taking up too much space. I'm no longer ashamed that I talk too much or make my opinion known.

Yes, I will be nice whenever possible, but I won't let niceness come before self-respect, dignity, and self-preservation, and I won't be afraid to get sassy when necessary.

I will not out shout people, but I will be heard.

I will be seen.

I will be valued.

I will be respected.

I will be treated like a whole person with rights, dignity, and worth.

Absolutely none of this is up for debate.

My kindness is earned with genuine respect and equitable treatment.

Never again will I let my fear of being called a bitch make me go silent.