October and Me: Disability and Embracing Who You Are

I can’t believe it’s already October. October is by far my favorite month of the year. I love everything about it! The changing leaves, the weather that’s cool, but not too cold, the pumpkin spice lattes, well, in fact, the pumpkin flavored everything, the ever-present color orange, and Halloween! I love October. I live for it! I often joke that the way I feel about Halloween mirrors the way a lot of people feel about Christmas!

Maybe none of that is surprising, considering I am born on October 31, maybe I was just born to love everything about this month, or maybe not, maybe it’s a little bit more complicated than that. You see, I was born on Halloween, 26 years ago this month, but it wasn’t planned that way. I wasn’t supposed to be a fall baby, obsessed with everything orange, cinnamon, and pumpkin. I was supposed to be a winter kid, born at the crest of the changing year, maybe a symbol of new beginnings, but that wasn’t quite how things played out.

I was born 10 weeks early, certainly a surprise, my parents hadn’t  even picked out my name! Nobody knew quite what to expect with me, and that didn’t stop with my birth. When I was young, I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and again, no one knew quite what to expect.

I don’t know who I would’ve been if I had been born in January 1991, and for a long time, that haunted me. For a long time, I lived in a world of “what ifs.” For a long time, I daydreamed of the girl I believed I was supposed to be. A girl who could walk, run, drive a car, do all the things I cannot do; the girl I thought I was supposed to be.

I struggled with my place in this world because I understood myself through a narrative that told me who I was wasn’t and who I was supposed to be. I internalized the stares and pitying looks. There were so many times when I want to be anyone other than me.

I know that life as a disabled person in this world is not easy, because we live in a world that constantly tells us who we are is wrong, but as I grew, I realized that wasn’t true. So many of the best people in my life are part of my life because of my disability. The most beautiful experiences and relationships I have had in my life were precisely because of who I am, not in spite of it, and cerebral palsy is a huge part of that equation.

I’ve used a wheelchair since I was five and being disabled has been an ever present part of my existence, but that’s not a bad thing. So often, when people talk about cerebral palsy, or disability in general for that matter, they talk about it in terms of tragedy, as if it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to somebody, but after almost 26 years of living this life, I can tell you that’s just not true!

My life as a disabled woman isn’t tragic, sad, pitiable, or pathetic. It’s not something to be afraid of or to talk about as a fate worse than death. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just part of who I am. I haven’t always been comfortable in my body as a disabled woman, but the challenges that I faced in my life don’t come inherently from being born with cerebral palsy. They come from being born into a world that sees disability as a bad thing, and thinks the presence of an impairment automatically makes you less human than other people.

My impairment, my cerebral palsy, isn’t necessarily a good thing, or a bad thing, it’s just part of what makes me, well, me. I have lived every second of my life on this earth in my body. I have spent the entirety of my almost 26 years of existence in a body that doesn’t work the way other people consider to be, “normal.” Every single experience I have had in my life has been shaped by the person that I am, and cerebral palsy is an undeniable part of that person.

For the last 26 years, I have gone through this world with cerebral palsy. For most of my life, I have rolled instead of walked, I have never been able to go anywhere without thinking about access and accessibility, my vantage point in the world is from a chair, instead of standing up, but the thing is none of this is a bad thing.

Being disabled has allowed me to see the world in a different way, whether it be because I had to use different entrances, or because I know on a deeply personal level what discrimination looks and feels like. All of this is part of my story.

I don’t know who I would’ve been if I was born in winter instead of fall, but that doesn’t matter anymore because I know who I am. I am a girl who loves all things fall and October, probably fitting since October is both the month of my birth, and the month of World CP Day. I’m a girl who believes fiercely in intersectional justice, and truly believes we have the power to change the world. I’m a girl who believes in  the beauty impossibilities and sees them where other people only see challenges and pitfalls. I am a product of my experiences in this world, and cerebral palsy is an undeniable part of that equation.

The first week of the month brought with it World CP Day, and October is disability awareness month, but here’s the thing. I love October because it represents everything that makes me, me. When we talk about disability, let’s stop talking about it in terms of tragedy and charity, and start talking about the things that we can do to make sure that everyone in this world has the opportunity to live a full life as their unique, beautiful, and authentic selves.

As I look forward to October, and turning 26, I don’t know how everything is going to turn out, but I know that I am who I am supposed to be.  From my blonde  and blue-green eyes,  to my slightly cheeky sense of humour, every weird quirk and sassy comment, every fantasy novel I've read, and bright lipsticks I wear; these  are all part of the equation that makes me the person that I am, and disability is too, and that’s okay, because I wouldn’t want to be anybody else!

Image description: the words October and me: Disability and embracing who you are are written in white against a background of fall leaves. In the upper right hand corner black text reads www.claimingcrip.com