I’m pretty sure anyone who knows me would tell you I’m pretty much the embodiment of femininity. I love dresses and I’m makeup obsessed, with a lipstick collection that would rival any beauty store, and yet I still struggle to see myself as feminine or beautiful. Being disabled, I’m often seen as non-gendered, nonsexual, and wholly outside of any standards of beauty. 

Growing up, boys would often tell me they felt comfortable saying inappropriate things in front of me, because “I wasn’t really a girl.” It took me years to understand what they really meant, and even longer to realize that who I am has nothing to do with other people’s expectations of who I should be, and everything to do with how I see myself.

As I got older, I realized being seen as non-girl when I strongly identified as a woman and a very feminine woman at that, had to do with the male gaze, and the idea that I couldn’t be seen as an attractive or feminine because I was visibly physically disabled, and far from thin. It sounds strange, but as I got older their words began to feel more real, and I struggled to see myself as “really a girl.” I also began to feel ashamed of wanting to be pretty, and started feeling pretty was a bad thing, especially if I wanted to be revolutionary, and change the world.

I began to question my ideas of beauty and what it meant for me to be beautiful as a fat, disabled woman. For a moment, I started to think that embracing femininity was wrong because it meant I was doing what society expected of me, but then I realized that nothing could be further from the truth. For me, embracing things that made me feel beautiful was radical because I live in a body that exists outside of what society thinks can be beautiful.

I wear dresses and makeup as a sign of my rebellion against the idea that I cannot be feminine. I choose to embrace my feminine side because it makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I wear dresses and makeup and take selfies for me, not for anyone else. I have learned to embrace my body instead of hating it, and expressing myself with makeup and clothing is a game-changer for me in a body like mine, that is so often stripped of any gender or sexuality.

I've realized that I don't have to reject the things that make me feel like who I am to be revolutionary. Instead, refusing to be erased, or rendered invisible or undesirable in my body is its own revolution. Proclaiming to the world that I see myself as beautiful is taking back and rewriting the narrative that says beautiful can never belong to someone like me.

Whether it's femininity, masculinity, or something in between, embracing the things that make you feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin is revolutionary, especially when you live in a body that society says will never be good enough.

I rock dresses with sneakers and do my makeup every day for me, because it reminds me in a world that either erases or objectifies my body, that my body is mine, and my story mine too. Fashion reminds me that I don't have to fit into anyone else's narrative, because who I am is enough.

I am learning to be who I am 100% of the time and accept myself in my own skin. I’m learning that my body is mine, and self-expression is powerful and beautiful. I’m learning that I may not always love myself 100% of the time, but I’m learning to accept who I am, and I think acceptance is 1000 times more powerful.

Image description: image is a quote attributed to Karin Hitselberger that reads, "expressing myself with makeup and clothing is a game changer in a body like mine that is so often stripped of any gender or sexuality.”

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