2020 has been, well, A LOT, to say the least. 

Pandemics, politics, and more have filled this year with twists and turns that I don't think anyone expected, but amidst all the drama and dark days, I have learned a lot and realized how important it is to hold onto the things that bring you light and bring you joy whenever possible. I know I've written about the pandemic and the importance of light and joy before, but in reflecting on 2020, I realized that this unexpected year taught me many things that I want to share.

Let me start by saying that I know finding light and joy isn't always possible. Still, I think sometimes one of the problems is that we feel guilt and shame about the things that bring light and joy into our lives, particularly when the world is in the state it is today. I'm here to tell you that it is okay to find moments of joy and lightness, even in the most challenging times. It is okay to let yourself enjoy the things that matter to you whenever you can. You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself and prioritizing your needs when you can. You matter, and your well-being is important, and 2020 has taught me first and foremost to remember that.

I'm American. Living in a capitalist society, we are often taught to prioritize productivity above everything else, but this year has taught me to slow down and put my needs and well-being above things like profit and grades. I'm not saying those things aren't important. I'm just saying that your well-being should come first, whenever possible. In 2020, I realized I had to let go of my perfectionism and focus more on living the life I wanted to live, not living the life I thought others expected me to live.

Both the pandemic and personal complications from medical procedures taught me to do the best I can to make the most of my time. Making the most of your time doesn't mean always being busy. It means doing things that are meaningful and valuable to you. Again, I realize we live in a capitalist society, and sometimes having the ability to do what matters to you isn't always available to everyone in the same way. Still, wherever possible, creating a life focused around the things you find important is more valuable and worthwhile than forcing yourself to live up to other people's expectations of success.

While 2020 taught me about the importance of joy and light, it also taught me that it's okay not to be happy and joyful 100% of the time. Yes, 2020 taught me to hold onto the beautiful moments of joy and positivity in my life, but it also taught me to acknowledge the pain and sadness we experience collectively and personally. In 2020, I started to let go of toxic positivity that tells us we always have to look on the bright side and instead acknowledge that sometimes it's okay to sit in the discomfort of sadness and pain.

It's okay to acknowledge when things suck and give voice to genuine frustration, disappointment, and anguish. It's okay to express negative emotions and refuse to apologize for them. It's okay to be sad or wish things were different at times. Acknowledging that life is not perfect is not incongruent with trying to be grateful for the things you do have, however small they may be.

On a deep, personal level, I learned that things will not always go the way you want or expect. When this happens, conventional wisdom will tell you to make the best of it, and that's important, but it's okay to have moments of sadness, frustration, and disappointment as well. I will say, living my entire life as a disabled person has taught me that just because things are different than expected, it doesn't mean they can't be worthwhile, valuable, and even beautiful. That being said, it's okay to grieve your expectations of how you thought things were going to be.

The unexpected up and downs of 2020 reminded me that it's okay to reach out for help when you need it. There is no shame in needing support, and needing other people to be there for you. It is okay to ask for what you need without guilt or embarrassment. Despite what we've been told, human beings are not independent or solo creatures. We are interdependent. That means we need to rely on each other for different things, and that's okay. Support systems are about a give-and-take, and it's okay to sometimes need more support at the moment than you're able to give at the time, because I guarantee you there will be another time where you're in the position to give support to others. Never feel guilty for asking for what you need. Especially in difficult times, we need to rely on one another and remember that everyone has strengths and talents that they bring to the table.

Learning to rely on other people was particularly hard for me as a disabled person who needs a lot of care in my daily life. I felt like I was always relying on people for basic things, so I didn't want to rely on them for other things, like emotional support. Over time I learned that as much as I rely on other people, they rely on me too, just for different things and at different times. It can be easy to feel like we need people more than they need us, but I guarantee you that's not true. Everybody has something unique to offer others, and it's important to remember that you bring something important to every relationship you are in.

 Asking for help does not make you a burden. It simply makes you human.

In 2020, I learned on an even deeper level the importance of fighting for what you believe in, using your story to make a difference, and making space to be unapologetically yourself in this world. I turned 30 and 2020, and I realized that for most of my life, I was living in fear of what other people would think of me when the only person whose opinion of me should matter is my own. In 2020, I stopped apologizing for being human and taking up space in the world. I realized that refusing to apologize for the body I inhabit and how I show up in the world is a political statement and a radical act. Doing this declares that there's nothing wrong with who I am and that society needs to change, not me or my body.

This is not to say that I never make mistakes or that I don't have room to grow, because nobody is entirely unproblematic in every way. When I talk about refusing to apologize for the way I show up or take up space in this world, I mean refusing to apologize for the ways that I fall outside of society's definition of normal or acceptable. I mean owning my body and accepting it exactly the way it is, even if I'm not always completely confident or in love with everything about it. I realized, more than ever. that I get one body and one life, and I don't want to spend that life hating myself for things I can't change. Instead, I want to spend that life trying to make the world a better place for everyone regardless of the identities they hold or the bodies they inhabit. Changing me to fit society's norms would never do anything to dismantle the larger systems of oppression that make people feel like they are not acceptable or not good enough. 

Being nondisabled or thin, for example, might make it easier for me to navigate the world the way it is currently set up, but it wouldn't change the fact that the world is set up in an inherently inequitable way. It's the inequity we have to fight against, not the differences. We have to work to create a world where people are valued exactly as they are, not despite any of their identities. 2020 has made me stronger and more able to use my voice in this fight without being afraid of how people will perceive me or how they will react. I'm no longer afraid of speaking up because people will think I'm too much. Instead, I'm unable to stay silent and not be enough.

Overall, 2020 has taught me the importance of a support system and the beauty of being yourself. It has taught me to use my voice to make a difference, not just for myself but also for society. Through all the ups and downs of the last 12 months, I am so grateful for my family and friends who are always there for me no matter what. I'm grateful for the people who supported me in my lowest moments and joined me in celebrating my successes. I'm thankful for those who challenged me to grow and be better and never settle for being treated with less respect or dignity than I deserve.

2020 was not the year I expected, and parts of it were really, really hard, but I have learned to slow down and take care of myself, not as an afterthought but as a priority. 

I have learned I don't owe anyone an apology for being exactly who I am. 

I have grown even stronger in my belief that I am beautiful, whole, and worthwhile exactly as I am, and even more committed to changing this world into a more equitable place for everyone.