Everything I Wish You Knew: A Letter to My Teenage Self

Dear 15-year-old Karin,

I’m writing to you again, this time with over five more years of experiences that have helped me learn, change, and grow in every way imaginable. The first time I wrote you a letter, I was not quite 25, and just at the beginning of the chapter of life we call adulthood. 

I told you not to give up hope because everything you hated about who you were, would become important aspects of your identity and existence. I promised you that you would find acceptance, friendship, and even love, not in spite of any of who you are, but precisely because of it. I told you all these things, and they are the truth, but there’s more to the story. When I first wrote to you, I was lost, and still trying to figure out who I was, and find my place in our beautiful, complicated, and complex world.

As I write to you now, I’m not going to pretend that I have everything figured out, but I’m ready to tell you more of the story. Now, with five years of hindsight, I can tell you how all the things you are struggling with have come together to help you begin to create a life beyond anything you could ever imagine.

In this letter, I want to impart to you some of the lessons I have learned through the twists and turns of the last 15 years of my life. I want to share with you everything I wish you knew. I probably can’t get everything in this letter, but here are some of the most important ones.

As you are on the precipice of womanhood, I want to assure you that despite what everyone says, being disabled has no bearing on your femininity, or your ability to “be a girl.” Believe it or not, you will find a way to express yourself and show the world who you are through fashion and makeup. As you grow, you will worry less about blending in, and start focusing on being exactly who you want to be, no matter what anyone else thinks.

You, the girl who secretly can’t stand to look at herself in the mirror, will learn to stop trying to hide, go unnoticed, and apologize for your existence. You will find a way to accept yourself in the body that you have, instead of always pining for a different one. 

Aggie Cromwell was right all those years ago in Halloweentown. Being normal is vastly overrated. You will find so much more peace and joy in being yourself than you ever did in trying to be who everyone else thought you should be.

Take up space, and don’t apologize for it. You have stories worth telling, and a life worth living,  so speak up and speak out for what you believe is important. Take more pictures, even in moments when you don’t look perfect. Perfection is not what makes a memory important. Document messy hair and goofy smiles with friends, and allow yourself to be fully present and enjoy the perfectly imperfect moments of your existence.

I promise you, you won’t remember the number on the scale, or what you ate or didn’t eat, but you will remember the experiences you miss out on because you were too afraid to just be.

You won’t regret being yourself as much as you will regret spending years hiding from you are to appease everyone else. The best moments of your life will be those times when you let Karin be Karin without apologies.

As you grow, find and cultivate relationships that challenge you while letting you be unapologetically you.  It is in these relationships that you will find your voice and your pride. They will teach you to grapple with the hard things in life, And teach you to know better and do better.

Today I am a proud disabled woman, who lives in my life unashamed of who I am and full of passion to help other people on their journey to self-acceptance. I have come to terms with the fact that in many ways my body exists outside of societal definitions of normal, but I have come to realize that doesn't mean that I am not a beautiful, worthy, valuable, and worthwhile person.

 I have found strength in my faith, family, and community, and I have learned that I am not now nor have I ever been alone on this journey we call life. I have come to realize that the experiences I thought separated me from others, have actually provided me with some of my most important and richest relationships. I have found a way to make peace with my body, and accept myself as I am, not in spite of my flaws, but in full recognition of all aspects of me, both good and bad.

I won’t promise that everything is perfect, but I will tell you that most of the time it is better than you ever dreamed. You have risen to the challenges that nobody could’ve predicted, like finishing grad school through surgery, sickness, and a global pandemic.

 In building a life you can be proud of, you have not "overcome" your disability or any other part of your identity, but instead, learned to see them as integral parts of who you are.

 I don't have everything figured out, and I probably never will, but I know one thing. The greatest gift you can give yourself is learning to accept who you are, even if you don't always love it. There will always be parts of you that you want to change in one way or another, but learning to be your best self exactly as you are, and not waiting for a different version of you that may never arrive, is one of the most powerful and freeing things you can ever do.

Life is a journey, but it's one that's worth taking, and even when things get hard, I want you to know that they will get better, and you will be okay. Things will turn out differently than you imagine, but that doesn't mean they won't be amazing. Of all the lessons you will learn the greatest one is that you are worthy and deserving of love and respect from others, and more importantly from yourself. There is no one right way of being or existing in this world, and nobody has it all figured out, no matter what they say.

In closing, I want to encourage you to keep going. Keep learning and growing, and keep figuring out who you want to be, not who everyone else expects you to be. Life is hard, but it does get better, and there are lots of beautiful bright spots that make it all worth it, so don't ever stop fighting for what you believe in, and don't ever stop working to make the world a better and more just place.

I love you always.

Love,

30-year-old Karin