Do The Best You Can With What You’re Given: Wisdom From A Challenging Year
[Image is a quote on various shades of orange written in black text. The quote is attributed to M. Karin Hitselberger, MSSW, and is from the essay, “Do the Best You Can With What You're Given: Wisdom from a Challenging Year, ”and reads, “Most of all, though, I can tell you honestly beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m grateful for the opportunity every day to continue to do the best I can with what I’ve been given because I think my grandmom was right; at the end of the day, that's all any of us can promise and the best any of us can do.”]
I always joke that the last time I was early was October 31, 1990, the day I was born, and this post is no exception.
This time is a little different than the others, though. I'm not late because of an accessibility failure, malfunctioning wheelchair, or broken elevator. I'm late because, in what feels like the greatest irony, I couldn't find the words to explain how I feel about the last 12 months of my life.
Don't get me wrong, I have been trying to figure out for weeks, maybe even months, what I was going to say on March 26, 2023, but when the day came, I still couldn’t properly put everything into words, which is a rare thing for a writer and someone as loquacious as me but has been known to happen from time to time, so this post had to wait a few days.
I’m still nowhere near ready to write about this year, but I will because I’m no stranger to doing difficult things, especially when they matter. To be honest, my life is forged from doing hard things. In fact, I think it’s kind of my specialty.
On March 26, 2022, I planned to post a video on social media to show the accessible pathways on the sand at Lighthouse Beach in Sanibel, Florida.
Unfortunately, I never got a chance to post it, and also, unfortunately, those pathways no longer exist as of right now.
I never got to post it, because later that evening, on the way to dinner, my mom, grandmom, and I were involved in a horrific car wreck. This tragic and unexpected incident has completely altered my life and my family in ways I can’t explain, but it has also shown me the importance of having the support of family and/or your community, especially when life gets hard.
My mom and I were severely injured due to this accident, and my grandmother later died. It’s no secret that my mom and my grandmom are two of the most important people in the world to me and always have been.
There are many reasons for this, but chief among them is that they always believed in me and had my back, even when the world wasn’t kind to me.
I’m 32 years old, and I’ve been through more traumatic things than most people, but that is not necessarily unique in my family.
In learning to cope with the hardest and ugliest parts of life, though, I aspire to be like my grandmom. She went through more than her fair share of hard things in life and taught me something important, which is that life is far from fair, and although you never get what you want in life and rarely get what you deserve, it is your job to do the best you can for yourself and others with what you are given each day.
Nobody is perfect. I know I am not, and I know everyone has their flaws, but if this year has taught me anything, it is that one of the most important things in the world is the people you surround yourself with and who you have in your corner when life gets complicated and messy.
I can’t tell you why, but my life seems to have an unfortunate habit of blowing up regularly. However, even, and honestly, especially in these difficult times, I have the privilege of being related or connected to many people who always have my back, even if we don’t always agree on everything.
My mom is doing amazing with her recovery.
Still, as her daughter, I am not going to lie and say it hasn’t been difficult to watch her struggle with some of the same things that I struggled with growing up, and while I can unequivocally say I wouldn’t wish either side of this journey on anyone, especially not someone I love as much as my mom, it is giving me the unique ability to see the experience of disability from both sides. I can only hope that it will make me a better advocate in the future and make me and my mom even closer than ever and even scarier of a dream team to the rest of the world.
On a personal note, my recovery journey has been a bit weird for me because, in a lot of ways, to the naked eye, I look the same as I did on March 25, 2022, minus some hair and adding a couple of new scars to my ever-growing collection. However, beneath the surface, I am forever changed by what happened, not just because I gained an arm.
I don’t think it's possible to consciously choose and force yourself not to be sad or even not to be angry. However, I firmly believe, as my grandmom and mom have always taught me, you can be fueled by the things that frustrate you instead of being defeated or made bitter by them.
I accidentally followed in my grandmom’s footsteps. I became a social worker because I knew we lived in a broken system. I am more fueled than ever by the past year to change our world so that anyone in a tragic situation has a fair shot of getting the support they deserve and that I have been blessed enough to be given.
I still struggle daily with what happened, but I’m trying to see the good that has happened in the past year. My family and I have been blessed to be supported by so many people, whether that be new friends or old friends, close or distant family.
Over the past year, I have been lucky enough to see that family really does mean never leaving anyone behind and know that my family will live up to that the best they know how. I have learned that life is immeasurably hard, although I think I already knew that; I’ve also learned that nothing is impossible, no matter what the world tells us.
I don’t know how to wrap this up because so much of this story is still unfinished, justice has not yet been served, and I am still trying to figure out how to move forward in a life that looks different than any I could’ve ever Imagined.
Despite all this, I am grateful for this year.
I’m grateful for the good samaritans who stopped at the scene on that horrible day and helped us, and to the paramedics and EMS workers who got us to the trauma center, and the doctors and nurses who helped put me back together and saved my life, because without their intervention no other part of the last year would have been possible.
I’m grateful I met my second nephew, Ben, and my birthday twin Haven.
I'm grateful for all people who have come into my life and supported my family during one of the most difficult times I can remember. There are too many people to name, but I am grateful for them, and I don't know what I, or my family, would do without their support.
I’m grateful for all the laughter I’ve had with my friends, family, and, most of all, my mom. I’m grateful for every time my mom makes me smile, or my dad or another family member reminds me they love me and will have my back no matter what.
I will say that I don’t, and I have never believed that there’s a clear reason everything happens exactly the way it does or that all things are predestined and we are just pawns in an unchangeable fate. I don’t think that you can live my life and not, on some level, believe that we can make choices that will make a meaningful difference in the world around us and in the outcomes of our actions. I also believe that the idea of fate as some predetermined, random, unchangeable destiny allows people to deny that we all make choices, and at the end of the day, actions have consequences whether we realize it in the moment or not.
I think people often use fate as a scapegoat to avoid owning up to their responsibility in different aspects of their lives. That said, I do, however, believe that you can learn something from every person and every situation, and those lessons make you a better person who makes better choices and more informed decisions in the future.
Therefore I can think of no better way to end this reflection than by sharing with you a few of the things I’ve learned over the last year from the different people in my life. Here are 10 of my favorites, in no particular order:
Don’t judge people by their past or struggles; judge them by what they do now.
Family, blood, or otherwise, means having people's back when it really counts, even if you don’t always see eye to eye.
All you have in life is your word, so don’t make promises you don’t intend to do your best to try and keep.
Never let anyone make you feel small or make you think they know more about your story than you do.
Love means being there and showing up for people, especially when it’s difficult.
Find people you can laugh about the hard things with because sometimes, laughter really is the best medicine. Trust me, I would know; neurological laughter is real!
You can do harder things than you ever imagined, but that doesn’t mean they are not painful or difficult.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
NEVER, EVER, sell yourself short, or forget your worth (thanks for the life tip, Uncle Paul, you’re finally getting your shout-out. I kept my promise, and never forget patience is a virtue!)
You knew it was coming, but I had to save this one for last. You rarely get what you want in life and almost never get what you deserve, but it’s your job to do the best you can with what you’re given each day.
I wish real life worked like a fairytale or a cheesy romantic comedy and that everything could be wrapped up in a few chapters or less than 120 minutes with a perfect resolution and a simple happily ever after, but that’s not reality.
It’s been a year, and I still struggle every day with the awful events of March 26th, 2022, and if I'm being realistic about it, what happened this year will have an indelible impact on me for the rest of my life, even as I continue to grow and move forward. I am smart enough to know that the rest of the world doesn't stop when trauma makes your life feel like a slow-motion freeze-frame, but I also know that although you can move on from hard things, you will never go back to being exactly the person you were before they happened.
Believe me, I wish I could tell you otherwise, but that wouldn’t be honest, and It wouldn’t be me.
I believe in telling the truth, and I’m always working on being as honest and authentic as possible, even when it’s difficult or uncomfortable. So, I can’t and won’t say I am okay with what happened or wrap this up in a pretty bow.
However, I can and will honestly say that I am so grateful for everyone who supports me through good times and bad.
I can honestly tell you that I’m grateful for the continued opportunity to learn and grow.
I can say with all sincerity that I’m grateful that I’m here to have new adventures and see the people I care about embark on journeys, and I am beyond grateful for so many things I don’t yet know how to put into words.
I can and will always say with a bittersweet smile that I’m grateful for all the moments I had that I could have and, by all accounts, probably should've missed.
Still, I’m heartbroken that my grandmom wasn’t here for them.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her or ache to see her smile that grandmom smile that seemed to radiate joy across every room she entered, or feel a pang of sadness that I won't hear her infectious laugh or be greeted with a signature noisy hug ever again.
There’s not a single day that I don’t miss the sound of her voice and the way she would call me just because she wanted to hear mine, even if she just got my voicemail, or the way that she always made sure I knew she loved me and was proud of me no matter what.
I miss her, and I know this is not unique to me among her family or others who had the pleasure to know her because my grandmom had the most unique and admirable ability to make those she loved feel that in a way they could never forget.
I miss her, and I think I always will, but missing her does not outweigh how grateful I am to have shared this earth with her for almost 32 years and how blessed I feel to be her granddaughter.
I'm grateful every day that I still feel her with me, guiding me to make kinder, decent, and more thoughtful choices when possible. I'm grateful for all she taught me and the ways in which she showed me to do my best to love others and myself well.
Most of all, though, I can tell you honestly beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m grateful for the opportunity every day to continue to do the best I can with what I’ve been given because I think my grandmom was right; at the end of the day, that's all any of us can promise and the best any of us can do.
