An Open Letter to Those Who Love Me But Do Not See Me

January 31, 2017 Karin Hitselberger

Hey you!

Yes, you there,

My friends, or family who love me with your words but not your actions.

You, who don’t hesitate to tell me how proud you are of the person that I’ve become while trivializing the very things that help me get here.

You, who tell me I will “figure it out and be just fine,” and refuse to see that it is not up to me.

You who mistake my fear and concern for anger and sour grapes.

You who encourage me to, “wait and see,” while I’m watching my whole world crumble around me, and feeling my safety disappear.

You who decry “political correctness” and “PC culture” while refusing to acknowledge the very real impacts of microaggressions, discrimination, and prejudice.

You who tell me your proud I’ve found my voice, “but wish I wouldn’t be so radical.”

You who’ve loved me and supported me my whole life, but can’t see how the policies and politicians you vote for uphold structures that oppress and destroy me, and so many others.

We need to talk.

There is something I need you to understand. It's hard for me to say because you love me, and you would never intentionally do anything to hurt me.

But I am hurt.

I am scared.

And I am breaking.

Please understand that this is not about you, and honestly, it’s not even about me. It’s not about one person, one action, one decision. It’s about the world we live in, and a society that institutionalizes the idea that one way of being is better than all others. A society that reflects in its words and its actions, that people like me, or anyone outside the narrowly defined, “norm,” are somehow less deserving simply because we are not the same.

A society that decides we are less because we move differently through the world,

Less because we look different,

Speak different,

Love different,

A Society that thinks we are less because we need different things than you to survive,

Less because we communicate different,

Think different,

Because we have different bodies,

Or different beliefs.

I’m not asking you to agree with me on every issue, in fact, I’m not even asking you to agree with me on one. I’m simply asking you to step back and acknowledge that you and I live in different spaces. The same decisions will always have vastly different consequences for you than they will for me. Understand that this is not simply about politics, Democrat versus Republican, or red versus blue.

This is about survival.

I need you to see that the idea of overcoming while everything around you stays the same, is one of the greatest lies we have ever been told. When we talk about how marginalized people have, “overcome their obstacles,” we ignore privilege and erase the fact that being able to succeed in a society that is stacked against you, is never all about hard work. We pretend as though these obstacles are natural and expected, rather than created. We pretend that the goal should be living up to somebody else’s standards, and fitting into someone else’s narrow world, instead of creating a world where we are all valued. We casually treat people’s existence as problematic and hint that the only way to succeed is to convince the world that you can play a part and pretend to be just like everybody else.

But the thing is, I cannot pretend, I am who I am, and that will never change. I cannot overcome my identity because it will always be a part of who I am. The voice you are proud of, and the accomplishments you applaud are not accidents. They are not the result of learning to fit into the cookie-cutter spaces left for me in your world. They are the result of learning to make peace with who I am, and fighting to create a space that fits me, every bit of me, not just the easy, desirable parts. The girl you admire, the one, “who never gives up, and always keeps fighting,” is not a choice. She is not inspirational, cheerfully ready to take on anything that comes her way. She’s a necessity in a world that refuses to acknowledge my humanity.

Please understand that even now we are not equal. I still have to fight for my right to exist. Every day of my life I have to prove that I am worthy to have the life that I do. The things I fight for are not abstract, nor are they idealistic. Recognize that, for me, there is no Plan B, because I don’t have the same access to housing, employment, or other opportunities that you do. I’m asking you to realize that political decisions are not abstract, that these decisions have real impacts even fatal ones. Most of all, I’m asking you to understand that I go to bed every night terrified that tomorrow I won’t have access to the basic things you take for granted.

I don’t speak up just because I want to, I speak up because I have to. Know, that I am not you, I am one of “those people.” This is not a tactic devised to make a point or an opinion, it’s just the truth. I know what it’s like to feel less than human for simply existing in your own skin. I speak up because, despite the millions of forces telling me I’m wrong, I believe my life is worthwhile. I speak up because I don’t have a choice if I want to survive.

So please, I’m asking you to listen.

Be uncomfortable.

Live in the discomfort of knowing that we are not yet equal.

Stop trying to fight your cognitive dissonance by telling me I’m overreacting, or telling me that I will figure it out.

Stop trying to justify oppression to avoid the painful, uncomfortable realities of this world.

Stop with empty accolades and declarations of pride.

I'm asking you to see me, not just as your daughter, your sister, your niece, your cousin, your colleague, or your friend, but as everything that I am.

I'm asking you to please honor my identities and the intersections of my existence, and recognize that I feel the pain of being defined as less than others, simply for being who I am, in a way that you may never fully grasp.

I'm asking you to think about all the things, and just stop for second.

Step back.

Take a breath.

Look around.

Open your eyes, and see who I am, and what I’m fighting for.

Read also: Why the 2020 Election is About So Much More Than "Just Politics"

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" It’s about the world we live in, and a society that institutionalizes the idea that one way of being is better than all others. A society that reflects in its words and its actions, that people like me, or anyone outside the narrowly defined, “norm,” are somehow less deserving simply because we are not the same.