Fifteen Important Lessons From '15

2015 has definitely been an emotional roller coaster for me, encompassing some of the best and worst moments of my life so far. It was a year that took me across oceans and back again, tested the emotional strength of my heart, and showed me you can never underestimate the importance of having somebody in your corner. A year that gave me more heartbreak and more opportunity than I ever thought possible. For better or for worse, 2015 has affected me in ways I never thought possible, and taught me things I never realized I needed to learn.

1.     Never underestimate the power of a good mate: My first break up, and the subsequent devastating loss of my first love, took me to some very dark places. I don’t know if I would’ve survived it without my friends. When it feels like the whole world is collapsing in on you, one of the most important things to realize is that you’re not alone. I am internally grateful to my friends, who, in some of the most difficult moments of my life brought their mattresses into my room and laid on my floor with me watching Disney movies until I could fall sleep. I am grateful for people who would go on adventures with me, wait for it to cool taxis, and reassure that I am actually a worthwhile person. All of my best memories begin and end with my friends, and I can honestly say I don’t think I would’ve made it through this year without them.

2.     Technology changes everything: For me, technology isn’t just a wonderful convenience, it is so much more! Without technology, I could not dream of living on my own, going to school on another continent, or even writing a journal, let alone my own blog! My power wheelchair, my voice dictation software, and the existence of technologies that put entire libraries at your fingertips without ever having to leave your own home, I have made the life I have today possible. Technology also allows me to maintain relationships across oceans and helped me cultivate some of the most important relationships in my life, and given me a community that constantly reminds me I am never alone.  I have been able to find people who understand my experiences. It has allowed me to build supportive relationships and learn from other disabled people, even though I don’t live close to them. It gives me the opportunity to hang out with friends via Skype, FaceTime, and Google, without ever leaving my room!   I have freedom because of technology that would never exist without it. Technology allows me to turn on my lights, and move around independently. Technology has given me the power to use my voice in a way that actually has an impact on the world, and that is a beautiful thing. Technology has revolutionized my life from the time I was a young child.  This year, whether through keeping in touch with friends across the globe, or being able to turn on my lights and television on my own for the first time by using the sound of my voice, I was reminded just how important and powerful a force technology actually is.

  

3.     Yes, as a matter fact I do have an accent: I have always playfully denied the possibly that I have an accent, “I don’t have an accent, you do!” I would always tease my British friends while I was living in England, however, 2015 was the year that made me learn to accept that in fact, everybody has an accent, and that’s actually really important to understand. Learning to accept my own accent reminded me just how many cultures there are in the world, and just how much we can learn from each other if we remember that our way isn’t necessarily the best. Acknowledging that everybody has an accent is a reminder that no one way of speaking or thinking is dominant. There is always something we can learn from each other. Everybody is different, and that is exactly the way the world is supposed to be.

4.     Just because you chose a different path, doesn't mean your "doing it wrong": In 2015 I learned to stop judging the value of my life by comparing it to other people’s lives. I watch friends get married and have children while I experienced my first break up and went to school on a different continent. “Why am I not married yet?” I would ask myself. “Is it okay that I still have a lot more to figure out before I’ll feel ready to have children?” Instead of looking at whether or not I was happy with my choices, I was judging the validity of my life and my decisions on some false concept of who I was supposed to be. I realized that I cannot define my life by how it measures up to others.  It’s OK to want different things my friends, and that doesn’t mean I’m making the wrong choices. Instead of asking, “am I living up to societies expectations of me?” I have learned to ask, “am I the best version of myself I can be?” “Am I happy with my choices and the person I’m becoming?” It is important to learn to make our own decisions, rather than forcing ourselves into somebody else's idea of who we should be.

5.     It is infinitely better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all: 2015 brought with it one of the most difficult and painful things I have ever experienced. The unexpected death of my first love and one of my closest friends. I miss him every day, but I have never regretted loving him and letting him love me. It is undeniably painful to lose somebody, but his presence in my life is worth all of the pain I experience from losing him. Loving another person and learning to accept then another person could romantically love me was a powerful and a life altering experience. When he died less than two months after our break up I felt like somebody had taken all of the air out of my lungs. I didn’t know what to say, and what to do, sometimes now, even many months later, I still don’t, but I do know one thing. I am glad I had him in my life even if it was only for a brief moment, and I would not treat one single second with him to get rid of the pain I feel now. I used to live life trying to avoid being hurt, but this year I have learned that sometimes sometimes it is worth feeling pain to experience the most beautiful things in life. I will always love him. I will always miss him, but I know I will never regret him.

6.     Loving yourself is the hardest and most important thing of all: Having other people love you is beautiful and amazing, but at the end of the day you have to find a way to learn to love yourself. Other people can help you see past your negative feelings, but they cannot define you or how you feel. Learning to love and treat yourself with the respect you deserve can be incredibly difficult, especially if you are outside of the bounds of what society considers normal or conventionally beautiful. I definitely still have bad days, but I am learning to see myself more positively, and to define myself outside of society’s standards. You are your own most important critic; so even if you’re not always totally in love with yourself, remember to treat yourself with the dignity and respect you would treat others with.  It took a long time, and some serious love from others, but now I see that hating my body doesn’t do anything but make me miserable.

7.     Don’t ever let anyone dull your sparkle, or silence your voice: Not everyone will always agree with you, but that doesn’t mean you should stop fighting for what you believe in.   As my writing has gotten a larger platform, I have also gotten my fair share of haters, but I have learned that just because people say mean things doesn’t mean I should stop using my voice. It is important to listen to criticism, and trying to understand other peoples perspectives, however you shouldn’t stop speaking
or standing up for your beliefs because somebody disagrees with you. It is always important to consider different perspectives, but it is also important to make sure that you don’t let somebody bully you. Try your best to ignore the trolls. There’ll always be people who will try to tear you down, but that having faith in yourself and holding onto your convictions is important and extremely powerful. 

8.     Being the right kind of inspiration can be super empowering: I have always hated the idea of being an inspiration. As a disabled woman, I have always been told I was inspiring simply for existing, and this was something that made me feel less than human. This year however, I have learned that there is an extremely empowering way to be an inspiration. Through a couple of different projects I have done this year, I’ve gotten to interact with other disabled people who have told me that my pride in my disability and Who I am is inspiring. Getting to be inspiring for the choices that I make, and the things that I do is extremely empowering because I am inspiring for who I am not simply Existing in a wheelchair. When other disabled girls see my fashion blog and message me to tell me that I have inspired to feel beautiful and proud as disabled women nothing makes me happier. I want to inspire people in a way that respects my person hood rather than degrading it. I have learned that being in inspiration doesn’t always have to be a bad thing as long as you’re inspiring for the choices that you make rather than somebody’s false negative perception of your way of life.              

9.     Never underestimate the power of a selfie: I have always struggled with self-esteem and selfIes have helped me see myself in a new light and learn to love the skin I’m in. Selfies have done more than just help me have better self-esteem though; they have been integral part in helping me on my mission to change the narrative around disability. After the Kylie Jenner debacle this year I was given the opportunity to use my selfies to demonstrate that real disabled women use fashion as a form of self-expression. My selfies and the selfies of other amazing disabled people were featured to show the world that disabled people could be beautiful and awesome all on their own. Selfies are amazing because they remove the gatekeeping that has often been present in picture taking. It is no longer somebody else’s decision whether you are beautiful enough to be photographed. You get to define your own beauty, define your own narrative, and  make your own decision about the face you want to show the world. Selfies are powerful because they allow people who may otherwise be ignored by a photographers lens to show the world their beauty. Selfies allow people to reclaim their own narrative, and that is revolutionary.

10.   Take a  chance, you never know where it might lead you: If you had asked me about the future two years ago as I was graduating college, I would not have been able to even imagine the life and experiences I have today. I used to be the kind of girl who wanted a plan for everything and know how everything was going to turn out before it happened. Even though I can still sometimes be that way, I have learned that for the most part, the best moments in life tend to happen when you go off script. I never could have planned going to England, falling in love, or meeting some of my best friends. Those adventures weren't part of the plan I made for my life when I was 10, 15, or even 22, but I’m so glad they happened anyway. Over the past year, I’ve learned over and over again that I need to take chances, even when they scare me. I need to write about things that take me out of my comfort zone and talk about what’s important, even if everyone doesn’t agree. In 2015 I did all of those things, and I’m glad I did. I put myself out there in many ways, and it was scary, but most of the time it paid off. I went from a girl who was totally insecure about her appearance, to somebody with a fashion blog whose selfies and get up on BuzzFeed – twice! I went from England, back to my parents house in New Jersey, to starting a new adventure in a new city in 2016, all because I learned to be willing to take chances. You can’t always know what the future holds, and you need to be wise about your choices, but you can't be afraid to take a risk every once in a while!   

11.  Getting over hard times is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight: This was the year I finally stopped trying to out run my negative emotions, and slowly began the process of learning to live with them. Ignoring them and pretending they don’t t exist never works. My first break up followed by the sudden,  traumatic death of my ex who I still loved dearly and considered a good friend definitely threw me for a loop. I have always prized my ability to “bounce back” quickly from difficult things, but this year I learned that that isn’t always possible, or necessarily a good thing. I realized the wisdom of my favorite book, and discovered that pain does indeed “demand to be felt”.  I’m not saying I have perfect coping mechanisms now, but I’ve learned to respect the process and to take time. Anger, sadness, grief, and frustration will not be rushed, no matter how much you want them to. I'm learning to stop apologizing for what I feel. You cannot pretend that you can just go back to the way things were before something awful happened. It doesn’t mean you will never be happy again, or that being happy is wrong, it just means it will always be a part of you.

12.   One voice does have the power to make a difference in the world: When I first started blogging a few years ago, it was because one of my best friends said that If I really wanted to see change in the world I should use my voice to do it. I often questioned whether my voice was truly powerful enough to make a difference. Over the past year however, I have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that one voice really does have power. Earlier this year, I wrote an article that went viral. I got messages from other girls in wheelchairs and with different disabilities telling me how my blog and my willingness to share my story changed the way they think about themselves. As I began to branch out with my fashion project I got a similar response, and I realized that I may just be one person, but sometimes all you need is one person to show you a different perspective and change the way you think about yourself and the world. We all have the opportunity to make a difference by making the choice to unapologetically be ourselves and share our stories. It doesn’t take an army to change the world, and change the way people think. Sometimes all it takes is one person to show you that you are not alone and that who you are is beautiful and valuable. I am so glad that I have learned the power of my own voice, because now I realize just how much opportunity I have to change the world for the better.    

13.   Sometimes the part of you you used to hate the most can be the part of you that gives you the best opportunities: I’ve been disabled my whole life, and I spent most of my childhood secretly wishing I could be just like everyone else. This year, however, showed me that many of my opportunities in life come precisely because of Who I am, not in spite of it. Being a disabled woman has shaped The way I experienced and understand the world around me and it allows me to see and understand things differently. Whether it be going to England to study disability studies, interning in Washington a few years ago, or embarking on my new adventure in 2016, these things happened and were possible because of the person I’ve become. No matter how much I wanted to be “normal” as a child, I now know I would not trade my experiences as a disabled woman for anything. I’m not saying it is not a challenging life, but it is a worthwhile one. I know that I would be a completely different person today without it, and I would not have many of my best friends and best experiences.  This year has deeply reinforced for me how proud I am to be myself, and how sure I am that I wouldn’t change it for anything.

14.  Make up doesn't have to be about what other people think of you: I can’t count the number of times I’ve been told, “guys like girls who look natural,” or  “I’m sure you look just as pretty without makeup.” These types of comments stung because they assumed that I was using make up to change myself for other people. This year I’ve learned to stop defending my love of make up to anyone who judges me for it. Make up makes me feel beautiful. Make up makes me feel fierce, confident and strong. It is about me and how I feel about myself. This year taught me that the power of makeup goes far beyond what you see, it can deeply affect how you feel. I love make up not because of how other people react to me, but because of how it makes me feel about myself. Make up is about how I feeI and what I think about myself, and 2015 taught me that that is what really matters.

15.    The best way to honor those you’ve loved and lost is to live your life: Right after the death of my ex-boyfriend, I felt like it was wrong for me to enjoy my life knowing that he was gone. For a while I stayed in my room, and didn’t really do anything, but then one day I realized I wasn’t honoring him, or myself. He always encouraged me to take chances, to do the things I was afraid to do, to go on adventures, and to do what made me happy. I realized that the best way I could honor him and everything he meant to me was to live my life, and be the person I said I wanted to be. It was okay to miss him and I have bad days, but I also began to understand that it didn’t give me a pass to sit out of life. He would want me to be happy, adventurous and to keep on trying to change the world. I miss him every day, but I’m still here, and I have to honor myself. The best way to honor someone you have lost is to treat yourself kindly and live your life the best you can. I live every day trying to treat myself with the respect, love, and kindness he always reminded me I deserve. This year taught me in a very real and visceral Way that the future is not promise, and the best you can do is honor yourself and others in the present, and I think that was the most important lesson of all.

As we say goodbye to 2015, and hello to 2016, I will not make the same resolution I usually do. I will not resolve to be thinner, prettier, smarter or more popular. I will simply resolve to remember these lessons, live my life, and learn from everything around me how to be the best version of myself I can possibly be.