Five Questions to Stop Asking Wheelchair Users Immediately (and What You Can Ask Instead!)
It seems like almost every day I am faced with an awkward
encounter with a stranger, whether it be in a coffee shop, the mall, or even on
the Internet, and more likely than not, that awkward encounter centers around
questions about my disability, or how I live my life as a disabled person. I
recognize that nine times out of 10 people aren’t trying to be inappropriate or
make me uncomfortable, but are just genuinely curious or concerned. That doesn’t
mean their questions are okay. Every time I address this, people’s response is
always, “but I don’t know what to say.” I decided to help them out, in easy to use
“listice” form, of course. So, without further
ado I present to you five questions you
should never ask a wheelchair user, and what you can ask instead:
1. “What is wrong
with you?” / “Why are you in a wheelchair?" Typically, when I get this question, it is
from a complete stranger who has not even bothered to say hello or speak more
than two words to me. Starting off the conversation by asking me about my
private medical history is never okay, and if you feel compelled to ask me
about my disability do it with a little more tact and respect. As a lifelong
wheelchair user I will tell you there is nothing “wrong “with me, and that my
wheelchair is just a tool I use to get around, however when this is the first
question you asked it shows that you don’t see anything else except my
wheelchair.
What to say instead: “Hi,
how are you?” I want to be seen like a person just like everyone else. This
is a much better way to start a conversation with a stranger than to
immediately start asking about their wheelchair, or other visible disability or
medical condition. When you get to know somebody better it may be okay to ask
them about their disability, just always make sure you do it respectfully.
Questions like, “What’s wrong with you?” are never okay!
2. “Where is your
parent/caregiver? I often get this question from strangers who assume I
need help doing something when I’m out at the mall or in some other public
space, but this question is super problematic because it strips me of my
competency and assumes I always need help or supervision. I am a 24-year-old
woman, not a child, and I don’t appreciate being treated like I need a
babysitter.
What to say instead:
“Can I help you?”/”Do you need some help?” If you see a disabled person out in
public, and it looks like they may need help the best thing to do is to simply
ask them if that is the case. This gives the person the opportunity to accept the
help if they need it, or politely decline it if they don’t, and respects their
autonomy. Just remember, if somebody declines your offer for help respect that
and move on.
3. “Do you have a
license to drive that thing?” I get this one from people who think they’re being
funny by making some kind of driving joke about my wheelchair. It can come in many
variations, Including but not limited to: “Can you get a speeding ticket in
that thing?” “Can you get a ticket for drinking and driving in that chair?” etc.
The thing is that these jokes are not
funny, and I’ve heard them 1000 times. All it does is make me feel
uncomfortable and create an awkward situation where neither person knows how to
respond.
What to say instead:
“ Hi how are you doing?” Usually it seems that people default to awkward
wheelchair jokes when they don’t know what to say but they want to say
something. Tired and overused just make
wheelchair users uncomfortable and elicit sighs and eye rolling. As with the
first item on the list, a simple hello is a much better option.
4. What would she like to eat/drink? Okay, so this isn’t really a question
directed towards wheelchair users, and that is exactly the problem. So many
times when I go out to places such as restaurants, bars, or coffee shops,
particularly with a non-visibly disabled person joining me, whoever is serving us
will automatically ask that person what I would like to order. This is
problematic because it automatically assumes that I cannot speak for myself,
and need someone who appears able-bodied to do it for me.
What to say
instead: “What would you like to order?”
The solution in this case is quite simple. Instead of addressing the question
at others, ask the person what they would like. If for some reason they can’t
answer, others will let you know, and step in, but you’re always better off
talking to a person, rather than ignoring them and speaking to those around
them.
5. “Can you have
sex?”/”How do you have sex?” Bonus points for this variation: “ I’ve always wanted to have sex with a girl
in a wheelchair, are you interested?” I can’t believe I actually have to
write this, but I’ve gotten this question more than you can possibly imagine,
and it is never, ever okay. I really don’t know what possesses people to ask
questions like this. I typically hear it at clubs, bars or on dating sites, presumably
some sort of pick up line. However, it is definitely not a pick up line and it
is definitely not okay. It’s awkward, inappropriate, uncomfortable, and
sometimes can even feel borderline threatening. Asking a stranger about
intimate details of their life is not okay simply because the person is
different from you. If for some reason we are in a relationship where he needs
to know the answer to this question I can promise you, you will. Otherwise, if
you’re “just curious”, as I’ve heard so many times when I’ve gotten this
question ,use Google! I am a person and
I deserve to be treated with respect. I am not here to answer any and all
bizarre questions you may have about disability.
What to say instead: Literally anything else. If you want to
try flirting with me go ahead. Offer to buy me a drink, take me out for coffee,
ask me to dance, or just have a normal conversation with me, but do not, I
repeat do not under any circumstances ask me inappropriate questions like how I
have sex! It makes me feel objectified and less than human, and reminds me that
you see me as nothing more than an oddity or a fetish.
The most important thing to remember when interacting with
the wheelchair user is that we want to be treated like anybody else. The
general rule when asking questions to wheelchair users is, just think to
yourself, “Would I be asking this question if this person wasn’t in a
wheelchair?” If the answer is yes then go ahead and ask it, if the answer is
no, then don’t. Try to think about how you would feel if somebody was asking
you these questions. If your question would make you uncomfortable, then you
probably shouldn’t ask me.
