Dear Younger Self: Reflections on Being 25, and Learning to Love Yourself
Dear 15-year-old Karin,
I can’t believe I’m almost 25! I’m not going to lie, when I
was your age I never thought I would
make it here, and I definitely never thought I might actually like myself (gasp!) Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad
days. There are still some things I wish I could change, but I know I’m fierce,
beautiful, intelligent, and strong, and I don’t spend my days wishing I was
somebody else anymore. I promise you that all those people who say you don’t
have to be thin and able-bodied to feel beautiful—no, to be beautiful, are
right. Believe me, there are so many more important things in life than living
up to somebody else’s arbitrary standards of what is beautiful. I know that’s
hard to believe, I struggle with it sometimes, even now, but I beg of you, stop
hating your body, and fighting a war with yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like
it now, but the only person you’re hurting is you. Try and learn to be your own
kind of beautiful, because in the future one of your greatest accomplishments
will be doing that, and inspiring other people to do the same.
Now, we have to talk about mean girls, bullies, and staying
true to yourself. I know this is hard to
believe right now because the wounds are fresh, but one day you will talk about
all the horrible things that have happened to you. You will have an amazing
platform to tell your story, and show other girls experiencing the same thing
that they are not alone, and they have no reason to be ashamed. You will learn
that mean girls never really go away, but also that it’s not about you, and
that you should never change who you are because somebody else is cruel to you.
Hang in there girl! You will find people who like you for exactly who you are.
I know you’re sitting there right now staring at your leg
braces and silently cringing. Well, don’t worry about them, you get rid of them
when you’re 18, but much to your disappointment buying shoes doesn’t get any
easier. Looking back you’ll realize you never should have hated them as much as
you did, because they weren’t evil. They were a part of you, and you'll realize that all of your attempts
at hiding them were never really about the braces. They were about being different. I know you
hate it right now, even if you can’t bring yourself to admit it out loud. You
hate your wheelchair, and your scars, your spasms. You hate the fact that people stare at you and treat
you differently. You hate the whispers and the giggles. You hate being treated like a five-year-old,
when you are a full-fledged teenager. You wish you were “normal”, and you want
absolutely nothing to do with your disability or anything that will make you
stand out.
Sweetheart, I know it’s frustrating right now, but I promise
you it won’t always be that way. You will learn to claim disability as an
important part of who you are. You will become a proud disabled woman,
and a fierce advocate who wants to dedicate your life to changing the world for
the better instead of running from it. You will learn words like “ableism” ,
which will teach you that the way people
treat you is not your fault, but is a result of the way society
understands disability. You will learn
to focus on changing the world, rather than changing yourself. Your passion
will lead you on a journey across the country, eventually across the world. You will find a disability community that
will mean the world to you, and give you some of your greatest friends, best
experiences, and even your first love.
Yes, you heard me right! You, the girl who’s
secretly convinced you'll be
alone forever, will fall in love. He will love you because of who you are, not
in spite of it. He will teach you that you are deserving of affection, not
pity, and that you are most
certainly desirable and lovable. Being
with him will unlock dreams you never let yourself want, and make you realize
that all parts of life are open to you, exactly as you are. You will love him
with your whole heart, and he will love you back. You will talk about music, movies, and your passion for disability rights. You will
tell him things you never thought you could tell another person. You will talk
about the future, marriage, and children.
You will love him, and he will love you, but you will not
get to keep him. The night somebody knocks on your door to tell you that he’s gone will break your
heart into a million pieces. You won’t exactly know how to deal with his death,
especially since you weren’t a couple anymore. It’s been months, and I still
don’t know how to deal with It, but there are a few things I do know for sure.
You won’t regret loving him, or letting him love you. You will learn to value
yourself more, and you will learn that you are worthy of being loved by another
person. Loving him will teach you that you are enough exactly as you are, and
that you deserve love, and not just mere toleration. You will learn that you
are worthy and lovable because of who you are, not in spite of it. Loving and
being loved by him will teach you to love yourself better. You will always miss
him, but I swear you will never regret him. I promise you knowing him will be
worth the pain that you’ll feel. Loving
him will show you the best parts of you.
You will write in more than just your journal. You will use
your words on a national scale to make a difference in the world, just like you
always dreamed. You already know that life can be painful, and I’m sorry to
tell you that will not change, but you
will also learn that life can be tremendously beautiful. You will be stronger
than you ever thought possible, but you will find a community of people who
will make sure you never feel alone. I can’t promise you the future will be
easy, but I can promise you that it will be worth it, and I can promise you I
am proud of who you become. I hope you are too.
Love always,
(Almost) 25-year-old Karin
