How I Learned I Am Worthy Of Love
Okay, so I have a confession to make. I am 23 years old and just now in my first romantic relationship. Despite being outgoing, friendly, and personable I've always had a bit of trouble in the romance department, much to my chagrin. My awkward teen years are the same story over and over again, crushing on boys who never seemed to crush back and always being the friend but never the girlfriend.
"You're a nice girl" people would tell me when I would feel down about it, "but you just have to find somebody who can overlook your disability." This message was drilled into my head over and over again in my quest for love. I was constantly told it would take a "very special boy" to love somebody like me. I was constantly reminded that I couldn't take it too personally, I had to understand that many people struggled to see past the chair. Growing up, society made me believe that my chair, my disability, and a lot of who I was was a problem that needed to be looked past rather than something about me that could be loved and appreciated.
The message was everywhere. It surrounded me. It was in the feel-good stories of brave and courageous people who stayed with their partners despite life altering injuries, an act that was touted as brave selfless and shocking, something most people would never do nor should be expected to do. It was in the numerous conversations I had with people who reminded me that someone would one day be able to overlook my disability. That someday, somebody wouldn't mind that I was in a wheelchair. That there had to be someone out there for whom the wheelchair wouldn't be a problem. Instead of learning to look for somebody who truly appreciated and loved me for who I was, I learned to look for tolerance. I learned to look for somebody who could deal with me rather than somebody who would love me.
For many years I did not even realize that this was the case. That was until the summer of my 21st year when I was talking about what we look for in partners with a good friend. I mentioned that I wanted somebody who could deal with my disability my friend looked horrified and told me that I wasn't looking for love but rather simple tolerance. This struck a chord with me and I vowed to myself that I would change, but still the idea of love seemed impossible for me. I had a hard time believing that I could be anyone's first choice, that anyone could choose me.
A few years later I decided to try online dating with very little success. I was completely horrified to find that to most guys I was nothing more than a fetish and something they wanted to try. Even the nice guys could merely tolerate my disability; they didn't love it about me or even like it. I was completely discouraged and I thought that maybe everyone has been right: maybe I really should just accept toleration. I let internal ableism destroy me from the inside out and I felt disgusting. Despite assurances from my friends that it would get better, I felt hopeless.
I gave up on romantic relationships. Then, when I was applying for postgrad halfway across the world in England I met somebody who completely changed my life. Ryan is different because he loves me for exactly who I am. He loves even the parts of me that everyone else used to see as a problem. Ryan is different because I don't feel like I have to justify, make excuses, or hide any of who I am from him. He doesn't merely tolerate and put up with my disability, instead, he appreciates it as part of what makes me uniquely beautiful person than I am. He sees me as a whole person rather than focusing on one half of my personality. He doesn't pity me and he doesn't see me as his second-best, he just loves me. He loves me for who I am and it's helping me learn to do the same.
In our case disability is something that we share and are both very passionate about so we can talk about it for hours without it being awkward, but I don't think that it is necessarily something that you have to share in order to find love. The difference with us from everything I had ever been taught to expect is that we love each other because of who the other person is, not in spite of it.
What I've learned through our relationship is that everyone is deserving of love and not toleration. What I have learned is that you need to wait for the person who sees the parts of you that everyone else sees as flaws as part of what makes you beautiful. I have learned that I deserve someone who values and loves me for exactly who I am.
We need to stop believing the lies the disability means that you can only expect mere toleration. We need to truly believe and truly remember that every person is worth so much more than that. I learned by falling in love that who I am is good enough to be loved and valued by another person and not merely tolerated.
"You're a nice girl" people would tell me when I would feel down about it, "but you just have to find somebody who can overlook your disability." This message was drilled into my head over and over again in my quest for love. I was constantly told it would take a "very special boy" to love somebody like me. I was constantly reminded that I couldn't take it too personally, I had to understand that many people struggled to see past the chair. Growing up, society made me believe that my chair, my disability, and a lot of who I was was a problem that needed to be looked past rather than something about me that could be loved and appreciated.
The message was everywhere. It surrounded me. It was in the feel-good stories of brave and courageous people who stayed with their partners despite life altering injuries, an act that was touted as brave selfless and shocking, something most people would never do nor should be expected to do. It was in the numerous conversations I had with people who reminded me that someone would one day be able to overlook my disability. That someday, somebody wouldn't mind that I was in a wheelchair. That there had to be someone out there for whom the wheelchair wouldn't be a problem. Instead of learning to look for somebody who truly appreciated and loved me for who I was, I learned to look for tolerance. I learned to look for somebody who could deal with me rather than somebody who would love me.
For many years I did not even realize that this was the case. That was until the summer of my 21st year when I was talking about what we look for in partners with a good friend. I mentioned that I wanted somebody who could deal with my disability my friend looked horrified and told me that I wasn't looking for love but rather simple tolerance. This struck a chord with me and I vowed to myself that I would change, but still the idea of love seemed impossible for me. I had a hard time believing that I could be anyone's first choice, that anyone could choose me.
A few years later I decided to try online dating with very little success. I was completely horrified to find that to most guys I was nothing more than a fetish and something they wanted to try. Even the nice guys could merely tolerate my disability; they didn't love it about me or even like it. I was completely discouraged and I thought that maybe everyone has been right: maybe I really should just accept toleration. I let internal ableism destroy me from the inside out and I felt disgusting. Despite assurances from my friends that it would get better, I felt hopeless.
I gave up on romantic relationships. Then, when I was applying for postgrad halfway across the world in England I met somebody who completely changed my life. Ryan is different because he loves me for exactly who I am. He loves even the parts of me that everyone else used to see as a problem. Ryan is different because I don't feel like I have to justify, make excuses, or hide any of who I am from him. He doesn't merely tolerate and put up with my disability, instead, he appreciates it as part of what makes me uniquely beautiful person than I am. He sees me as a whole person rather than focusing on one half of my personality. He doesn't pity me and he doesn't see me as his second-best, he just loves me. He loves me for who I am and it's helping me learn to do the same.
In our case disability is something that we share and are both very passionate about so we can talk about it for hours without it being awkward, but I don't think that it is necessarily something that you have to share in order to find love. The difference with us from everything I had ever been taught to expect is that we love each other because of who the other person is, not in spite of it.
What I've learned through our relationship is that everyone is deserving of love and not toleration. What I have learned is that you need to wait for the person who sees the parts of you that everyone else sees as flaws as part of what makes you beautiful. I have learned that I deserve someone who values and loves me for exactly who I am.
We need to stop believing the lies the disability means that you can only expect mere toleration. We need to truly believe and truly remember that every person is worth so much more than that. I learned by falling in love that who I am is good enough to be loved and valued by another person and not merely tolerated.