On Self Confidence and Owning It

Tonight, I had to do something that makes me more nervous than almost anything else in the world. I had to speak in front of people. Most people who know me find it surprising when I tell them I have stage fright and that I'm camera shy. "You?" they say, "no way! You're so outgoing!" When I say that sometimes I can be shy, I get laughed at, people can't believe that I would ever use those words to describe myself. That is because, for the most part, I am anything but shy! Put me in front of a camera or group of people , though, and everything changes. I just want to hide!

Today, after my presentation, which did not go wrong in any of the horrible ways I had imagined, my supervisor was giving me some constructive advice for the future, and one of the things he said to me was that I had to make my presence known. When I'm speaking, I have to be front and center, the center of attention. My immediate reaction to that was to exclaim, "but I hate being the center of attention," because I really do. Now, during one-on-one conversation I have no problem commanding an audience, even in small groups I feel in my element, but when I'm up in front of a room with all eyes on me, I can't handle it.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually bothered to think about why. Why is it that I can be so comfortable interacting with people in most circumstances, but when I really feel that I am the center of attention, I want to get the spotlight off me as fast as I can? Why is it that most people describe me as outgoing and energetic, but in so many public situations, I feel shy? Center of attention. All eyes on me. These things have never had a very positive connotation for me.

People stare at me all the time. It's almost impossible for me to blend in. I wheel into a room, and people take notice, even when I don't want them to. Being the center of attention is always something I've tried to avoid. If I was the center of attention, people would talk about me, and people always talked about me. Why would I want them to notice me, if I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin? Why would I want to be the center of attention, if all I ever wanted was to blend in? Why would I want people to notice me if it meant they were going to tease me? Why would I want to be the center of attention if it meant people knew I was different from them?

I spent my whole life trying to be anything but the center of attention. I spent my whole life trying to make sure people didn't see me. I spent my whole life trying to be just like everybody else. I was most comfortable when I blended in, and if I had to be the center of attention, I was most comfortable doing it from the inside of a radio booth, where nobody could see that I was different from them. Where difference wasn't what made me noticeable.

As I learn to grow into my own skin, a place I never really felt comfortable, I'm starting to learn to own who I am. With the help of everybody around be, I'm starting to make it work, instead of being afraid of it. It really struck me tonight when my supervisor said that having a disability can be part of what makes you an interesting speaker, an interesting person to watch. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. In fact, now that I think about it, it probably never really was.

Sometimes I spend so much time being afraid of who I am. I spend so much time trying to blend in. I spend so much time terrified of standing out, but isn't standing out what makes people remember you? Isn't standing out what gives you the opportunity to make a difference? I spent so much time being afraid of myself, and of my body, because I wasn't "normal", but isn't normal just another word for average? Another word for mediocre?

Everybody wants to be normal, but nobody really wants to be average. If you spend your whole life trying to be normal, trying to fit into a box that wasn't made for you, then you'll never change anything, but if you learn not to be afraid of what other people call weird, maybe, just maybe, you can change everything.

Today, my supervisor talked about the idea of disability as innovation. I think that's so true, but I think it only works if we truly embrace our disabilities and stop trying to fit into preconceived boxes. Innovation only really happens if we are willing to give up on doing things the same way as everybody else. Innovation only really happens if we see the positive potential in being different, and in standing out. Innovation only really happens if we stop trying to blend in and learn to own who we are, spasticity and all.